This is my beloved cat, Tomahawk. On Thursday June 12, 2008 we had to have him put to sleep. It was one of the saddest days of my life. He was the love of my life, my lovey, my cuddle buddy. It was something that had to be done though. He was 16 years old and age was finally getting to him. In the past 6 weeks, he'd stopped eating, except for a few bites here and there. Sometimes I could get him to eat tuna fish out of my hand, but it was never very much. Then he started walking awkwardly, like he was drunk. Very unsteady, he wasn't able to jump up to the couch or beds anymore. He just laid around all lethargic and with no spark in his eyes. Then in the past few days, he stopped drinking water as well, which he had been doing up until then. We decided on Wednesday that is was time, we couldn't bare to see him like this anymore. And on Wednesday night and Thursday morning, he was so weak, he couldn't even walk anymore. He just looked so sad and uncomfortable. He just wasn't the cat we had loved for 16 years. He had wasted away to practically nothing, you could feel every bone in his vertebrae. So we took him in on Thursday morning to bring an end to his misery. Of course I couldn't go back to work that afternoon. I am devastated. I feel empty and so alone. I just didn't want to talk to anyone.
It made me think. I hate how when you see people in passing they say hi, then out of courtesy , people ask you how you are. What in the hell are you supposed to say to that? Most people just say fine or good. Or perhaps state some common feeling, oh, I'm tired or So glad it's Friday. What are you supposed to say when you feel like your heart has broken in two? You can't exactly say, oh, I'm fine,because your NOT. You can't exactly respond with, well actually I'm heartbroken, I feel like I just want to cry for 5 hours. How do you think the person would respond? That is obviously not the response they are looking for. And if you do tell them you feel crappy, then they may want to know about it and maybe you don't feel like talking about why you feel like crap, because it just hurts too much. In all honesty you know the person doesn't really care anyway how you are, it's just something we say to each other to pretend like we care, I bet half the time the person asking doesn't even pay attention to the response. So why do we say it, why do we ask how another person is? The majority of people don't genuinely care. There, I hate this question. I wish we as a society could find something else to say to each other then a half-hearted "Hi, how are you?"
On a side note, today was my 3rd anniversary at ATCC, fell on Friday the 13th. Anyone feel like this is an omen. Everyone was shocked I had been there 3 years (4 if you count when I started as an intern, but of course I didn't work for the full 12 months then), because 3 years is forever to stay at ATCC in Bacteriology. I am the second most senior person in my area. I have been there longer than all the people in BioProduction (I'm in QC) and longer than the majority of the people in R&D. I am in charge of my area, it's kind of crazy (although I'm not getting paid to be in charge but doing the work, boo). When I started I said I wanted to work here 2-3 years, get me experience, then move on. Well we're at years, but I am working on a plan to get out of here. As I may have mentioned earlier, I would like to move abroad for a year or so. That's always been a life goal, to life abroad, so now that I made my goal, it's the time to do it. Anyway, happy anniversary to me!
RIP Tomahawk Ferguson June 1992 - June 12, 2008 I loved you more then I could ever express and you will always hold a place in my heart.
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